The Fade Out Line
by heidella
Summary: Bella is 21, and this should be the most exciting time of her life. Except it isn't - her marriage is falling apart, and everything threatens to fall apart along with it. How do you navigate being a normal 21 year old college student when your life is anything but normal? How do you stop yourself from falling apart when everything around you has already come tumbling down?
1. Chapter 1

_Penname:_ heidella

_Rating/Warning(s)/Note(s):_ Mature.

_Disclaimer:_ All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.

_Prompt:_ dentist

* * *

A typically beatific California sunset accompanies my bus journey home from LAX to Goleta. The sun sinks, burning orange red and gold, over the ocean. We mostly hug the coast on this three-hour trip, so I wile away the time staring at the magic view and dozing against the window.

When the orange glow starts to fade into a blue darkness, I pull out my laptop and face the realities I've been avoiding for the past three months. Emails, Facebook notifications, class schedules... It's September, and I can't mope anymore. It's over.

I text Ro letting her know what time I'll arrive, and send her a picture of the sunset. She replies almost immediately, like she's been waiting by her phone, something very un-Rose. She's all for being super disconnected.

_Wow! Magical... I'll be waiting for you when you pull in. See you soon B xoxo_

Fast reply! Not like you. Hope you've not been hovering by the phone because of me... xo

_Pfft, as if. But maybe a little. _

Haha. See you soon crazy xo

_Can't wait xoxo_

She's worried, I know. Everyone is. I just don't think I can handle any more people walking on eggshells around me... It just makes it worse, it makes me remember that things are wrong. I need to pretend like everything's normal, so that hopefully, one day, they will be. Eventually.

The driver's voice over the speaker startles me, out and away from those thoughts. We're nearly there, so I gather all my stuff together and make sure I've not left anything down the side of the seats. Once, I lost my sunglasses here, and Edward had to make a zillion phone calls trying to get them back.

Stop. Just, stop. I inhale and exhale, deep breaths that sound like the ocean, because even this little memory makes my eyes burn.

* * *

When I'm finally off the bus, and in Ro's arms, we just stand there, quietly squeezing each other, for a good few minutes. I take the time to re-familiarise myself with her soft, shiny, and sweet smelling hair; her long piano fingers; her lean, tall, model frame. The way she looks beautiful with zero makeup on. Her gentle laugh.

We decide to grab crepes from Cafe Equilibrium in Isla Vista on our way back to the house.

"Of course, there's no food at home. No one ever buys food unless you're around B, you know this."

I laugh, because it's true. I'm the only cook in the house we share with Alice, Jess, Lauren and Angela. We all bake, but savoury is left to me.

"Let me guess though... There's plenty of cookie, brownie, cupcake and cake mix."

"What do _you _think?" Ro raises one eyebrow at me, and laughs. "It's what we survived summer quarter on, basically. We've all put on ten pounds."

"As if!" I laugh loudly at that. "I'd love to see the day any of you put on _one_ pound, never mind ten."

"Okay, okay, so obviously I was exaggerating..." She manoeuvres into our driveway, and pulls to a stop behind Ali's bright yellow bug. Instead of getting out immediately, though, she pauses, twirling the car keys in her hand. Hunching over the steering wheel, and avoiding my gaze, she finally says, "You look like you've lost a few pounds though, in all seriousness Bella."

"Uh oh. You called me Bella, which means you mean business..."

"Be serious, B. Do I need to worry? Just... tell me what you need from me. How do I help."

These conversations are inevitable. I know I'll have a variation of the same thing with every one of the girls.

"I need... everyone to be as normal as possible." I squeeze my eyes shut, as if that will make it all go away, or hurt less. "It's the quickest way _I'll _go back to normal, Ro."

"Okay. For sure." She smiles at me, and thankfully, there's no pity in it, only warmth and love. "C'mon. Crepes."

* * *

After crepes and a quick catch up - discussing everything_ but _Edward - Ro and I head to bed, with a promise to talk more tomorrow. For now, it's late. I make myself a tea, shower to clean myself of the inevitable grime after a day's journey, and curl up in bed with my laptop to take care of some emails I'd flagged on the bus. One from the dentist, reminding me to book my biyearly appointment. I make a note on my phone to call them tomorrow. One from Professor Cheney, about our meeting on Thursday. One from my dad, a brief four line email which makes no mention of anything Edward-related, but that contains an album of photos from the two week holiday I spent with him, Sue and Seth. And one from my mom, which is three pages long and littered with Edward's name and the word _divorce_ everywhere. I reply to Professor Cheney and Charlie, and ignore Renee.

At midnight, I switch the lights off, and stare at the ceiling for two hours before finally falling into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

_inspired by witfit prompts_

_frequent updates_

_love x_


	2. Chapter 2

_Penname: _heidella

_Rating/Warning(s)/Note(s):_ mature

_Disclaimer: _All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.

_Prompt:_ scout

* * *

_six years ago - Cape Coral, Fl _

"I can't believe we're gonna be juniors. We _are_ juniors, basically."

"Ali, we just finished sophomore year. Like, today. Calm down."

"Whatever, Ro. You know what I mean. And don't roll your eyes at me Bella Marie, I know you feel it too!" Alice glared at me from the front seat, spinning around so I'd feel the full effect of her stare.

"Feel what, exactly?"

"The excitement. The beginning of the rest of our lives."

Ro and I burst out laughing.

"Shut up Alice! We're sixteen, not twenty. We can't even buy cigarettes!" Ro said, giving her a shove.

"Ew, cigarettes." Alice scrunched up her nose at the thought.

"Okay, we're here now, think you can hold in your lofty and mature thoughts for now?" I said, teasing and pinching her arm as we got out the car. The sun was setting over the beach, and the sound of chatter and laughter and the promise of general teenage shenanigans floated over to us.

"Ow... Yes, okay. Whatever."

Alice sulked for all of two minutes before she spotted Jasper Whitlock by a bonfire, and was gone to his side, from surly to giggly in a minute. Ro and I just shrugged our shoulders and laughed.

"So old and mature and adult..." I whisper-giggled, linking arms with Ro and walking towards some of our friends by another bonfire. I knew the guy she was interested in was meant to be coming round tonight, and some of his friends were there roasting s'mores.

"Is Royce gonna be here?"

Ro cracked open a beer and passed it to me.

"Yeah, I think so... Ugh, these are so wet. The ice has completely melted in the coolers."

"Well, we have been here since five," Jacob Black interjected, sliding up to say hi. "'Sup, Bella. Rose."

"You've been here since five? Woah. How drunk are you? And who's we?" I asked, eyes wide.

"And don't call me Rose. Do I look like a fucking flower to you?"

"Not too drunk and we is me, Sam, Jared, Tyler, Mike, and Edward. And yes you do look like a flower."

Ro shoved him hard and he toppled over, almost falling into the bonfire. I laughed at his shocked face.

"Not too drunk, yeah, sure..."

"Shut up Bella, and just catch up," he said, laughing and dusting himself off.

"Who's Edward, by the way? Everyone else I know..." Ro asked, helping Jake wipe sand off his ass.

"Cullen? He's Jasper's cousin or something, from Miami. Here for the summer." He squinted into the darkness, and finally pointed in the direction of another bonfire a little way from us. "That's him there, in the Adventure Time shirt."

Ro and I both followed his finger, and... holy crap.

Edward was laughing with Mike and Ty. The orange glow from the fire cast its light onto his face, and what a face. He looked a few years older than us - proper scruff, strong jaw, a dimple in his right cheek. He looked up and away from the fire, and his eyes were so light. Blue or green maybe. And his hair, stuck up in every direction, light brown probably but it looked fiery bronze in this light. He was the most beautiful man I'd ever seen in my life. Then his eyes met mine.

"Oh. He looks bit older than us..." Ro's questioning voice sounded far away, because I couldn't tear my eyes away from Edward's. I was fixated.

"Bella!"

Ali's voice burst onto my consciousness, and I glanced away. She was running up to us, clutching Jasper's hand.

"Hey, hey... Jasper brought some rum and coke, wanna share? I know you're not crazy on beer." She passed me her cup.

"Oh, yeah. Thanks!" I smiled gratefully at Jasper, and took a sip, letting my gaze slide back towards Edward. But he wasn't there anymore. I didn't want to be super obvious, so I stopped myself from searching for him.

"Shall we sit nearer the water? It's so hot by the fire..." Jazz asked, looking at us.

"Definitely, before I sweat all my makeup off," Ali replied. "C'mon."

Jake, Ro and I trailed behind Alice and Jasper, and we sat in a row facing the water, passing around the rum and coke. Jake and Jazz bantered back and forth, ribbing each other, us girls chipping in every once in a while and generally just laughing at their antics. We'd all known each other pretty much since kindergarten, and being with these guys was easy.

So, a new person was pretty exciting. I kept subtly scouting the crowds for further glances of Edward, but the beach was crowded. Finally, around ten, Jazz suddenly stood up.

"I gotta introduce you guys to my cousin Edward. He's here for the summer from Miami."

My heart jumped. Jake started singing the Will Smith 'Miami' song.

"Welcome to Cape Coral - "

" - bienvenida a Cape Coral!" Ali sang back, collapsing into giggles. Jasper just smiled and rolled his eyes, before walking off.

A few minutes later, he was back, barely giving me any time to calm my anticipatory nerves. Edward trailed behind him, hands in his pockets. He looked up as Jasper started introducing us, and locked eyes with me. He smiled this soft, secret smile and, too soon, looked away.

"...and this is Bella-Bee," Jazz finished.

I rolled my eyes at the nickname, and blushed.

"Oh my god, when is that name gonna die the death it deserves?"

"Um, never," Ro replied, all sassy.

"Where does the nickname come from?" Edward asked me.

"It's not a story worth repeating."

"It definitely is," Jacob objected. "So! Basically, in second grade, Bella was climbing trees in Ro's garden at her birthday party - "

"And sat on a bee on one of the branches!" Ali continued, bursting into giggles.

"But the best part was the way she insisted on burying the bee," Jazz commented. "Gave it a mini burial."

"I killed it! It made sense..." I mumbled. "You guys all suck."

I looked up at Edward, and he was smiling.

"It's cute," he said, and I burned inside.

I didn't have that much experience with guys up to that point… but in that moment, I realised a lot of it was just intuition. I just knew. It was in the way he looked at me, and the fact he thought my stupid childhood story was cute. It was in the way he sat down next to me in the sand, and shared his beer with me. It was in the way he tugged at my braid, and told me he thought my hair was cute.

This feeling brewed deep in my belly, irrepressible, and rose up to my throat.

* * *

_today _

Getting back into the swing of things here doesn't take too long. This has been my home for three years now - these girls are my safety blanket, and my professors are warm and familiar. The bike paths in and through campus are comforting, the ocean breeze is invigorating, and the buzz of youth around Isla Vista is infectious.

"I think the work you've done over the summer looks great, Bella. But I'll be honest, you've never been a student I worry too much about," Professor Cheney tells me. He's in his mid-fifties, and has been a pillar of support since I first came to UCSB as a freshman. He and his wife, Angela, another faculty member in the English Lit department, even had Edward and I over a few times for meals. "Keep me updated on your progress, and I'll see you in class on Monday."

"Thanks, Professor Cheney. I really, really appreciate your help."

After our meeting ends, I bike from the Arts and Humanities building into IV, where I meet Alice and Jess for food at Crushcakes.

"Guys, can we meet at a salad bar next time? I've put on, like ten pounds since the quarter started…" Jess moans, after devouring a chicken ceasar wrap and three cupcakes.

"They have a salad option here, you know," I tell her, laughing as she dramatically rubs her belly.

"Besides, you know you don't actually want to lose weight, you love your boobs and your ass too much," Ali adds, poking her tits as she says this.

"Ouch, bitch, I'm on my period and that hurt!"

"Okay, okay, stop with your drama. We're here to talk about Bella, remember?"

"Ugh, guys…"

Jess becomes serious suddenly.

"Bella, we just want to check up on you. We haven't really had the chance to talk things over with you…"

"I don't even _know_ what the sitch is with you at the moment," Ali says. "I know you want to pretend like everything is normal, but at least fill us in? Just so we know where things stand. And I know when I need to bring you breakfast in bed and stuff, and comfort movies."

I smile at this, but focus my eyes on my smoothie, twirling the straw around and round. When I look up, they're still staring at me expectedly.

"Ugh, you're right. I'm sorry for keeping you guys in the dark. It's just so much easier to pretend none of this is real if I don't talk about it, you know?" I pause, and take a big breath. "But here's where things stand. I went to see Edward, that much you guys know. And he was just… so, so weird. It's like I didn't even recognise him. He was acting like this big shot, lame frat dude. He was drunk half the time I was there, dragging me to a million parties, flirting with girls non stop, making stupid sexist jokes and lewd comments about me. And I just went with it, hoping one day he would go back to normal, to my Edward. But then finally, one party, I was sitting on the sofa with a bunch of his gross guy friends, and their horrible immature girlfriends, and it suddenly hit me. It was like, I was completely blind and suddenly this feeling just opened up to me. He'd been gone half an hour. He usually disappeared for an hour at a time at all of these parties, and for some reason, I'd just never questioned it. Never gone looking for him. It's like… like I didn't want to know."

Before I even register the welling up, there's a tear sliding down my cheek. Ali and Jess are immobile.

"He was in some room at the party, with some girl. They were just right there, in front of me, fucking. Fucking, fucking, fucking. He was inside some other girl. Not me."

Thankfully, there are no more tears. I'm not much of a public crier. I just take another deep breath, and ignore the wild beating of my heart, and the hotness in my cheeks.

"I didn't cry, or scream, or anything. I felt surprisingly calm. I just walked into the room, took off my wedding ring, and put it on the night table. It was only when I walked right by the bed that they noticed me, I think. I didn't even look at him. I went back to his place to get my stuff, and then went to the airport and spent the rest of the summer with my mom in Florida. And that was that."

The girls don't say anything for a long time. Alice is crying, quietly. She's always been a massive softie.

Finally, Jess breaks the silence.

"Have you spoken to him since?"

"No."

We don't speak about it again, after that. We go home, and gradually start talking about other things. They need time to process it, like I did.

I still haven't processed it though, and I feel like I never will.

* * *

In my bed, that night, I feel it all rise up in me again. The hurt. I get my laptop out on my lap, and bring up the emails Edward has sent me since that night. They're all filed, unopened, in a new folder I named "fuck". It seemed appropriate, in more ways than one. Now, alone in my room, with all the memories stirred up again, I decide to start opening them, one by one.

The first one is short and simple.

_B, _

_I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry. _

_E_

I don't get any further than that. I just curl up in bed, and cry.

* * *

_thanks for the reviews, follows, and favourites! _

_see you soon x _


	3. Chapter 3

_This chapter just desperately wanted to come out - no prompt needed. Here it is, a day after my last update, eager to be shared with you guys. Enjoy xoxo_

* * *

_six years ago - Cape Coral, Fl_

"So, you're an only child?"

A few days later, we were at the beach again, side by side, only this time the sun was shining hotly over us. Little beads of perspiration were gathering on my chest, upper lip, and forehead.

"Yup. My parents got divorced within a year of having me, so... No more babies," I told Edward, who was gulping down some water. He passed me the bottle and I accepted it gratefully, parched. "This heat... Anyway, how about you?"

"You mean do I have any siblings?" He asked, staring ahead at the water. I nodded. "I have an older sister, Elizabeth, she's two years older than me. And I have a younger brother, who is also called Edward, actually."

"Wait, what?" I laughed, disbelieving.

"Yeah, I know..." Edward smiled, and shook his head. "Well, technically, he's not called Edward. My dad is Edward Anthony Mason Cullen, and he named me, his first boy, Edward Anthony, and his second boy, Mason Edward."

"Wow. That's... Odd. He obviously likes his names?"

"Yeah, I guess so," he said, laughing. "Anyway, my brother Mason decided he didn't like Mason when he was about eleven, and now he goes by Edward too. There are basically way too many Edwards in the family. Edward the first, my dad; Edward the second, me; and Edward the third, my little bro. He's Mike's age, actually. Not so little anymore." He paused, pensive. Reminiscing maybe. "But it's all very confusing, basically."

I laughed, and agreed.

"Well, as long as I don't meet any of them, I won't be confused."

A drop of sweat finally gave up to gravity and slid down my chest, between my boobs. Edward stood up and shook sand off himself.

"Wanna go in?"

I smiled, and followed him into the glittering blue ocean.

* * *

"So."

"Yes?"

Ali kicked me under the table.

"Ow!" I shouted, surprised. A few customers to the right of us looked our way.

"Shh! Don't be so dramatic."

"Don't kick me then!"

"You were being evasive."

"You're both being ridiculous," Ro cut in. "Ali, just ask. Bluntly. Bella, don't be coy." She put her Big Mac down, and looked at me seriously. "Bella, do you like Edward?"

I felt the blush rise up.

"See?" Ro said, looking at Ali triumphantly.

"Ew, Bella..." Ali sighed, shaking her head. "He's old."

"What?" I laughed, incredulously. Rose frowned. "He's not old."

"He's five years older than us!"

"So? Jazz, Mike and Ty are two years older than us," I pointed out.

"That's two years, not five. He's in college, Bee."

"Oh my god! That is not old!"

"Okay, okay, calm down Bella. Ali, I think you're overdoing it a bit..." Ro said.

"I'm not. I think it's too big an age gap right now."

"Whatever, Ali. That's your opinion. I'm pretty sure Bella has a crush. Right?" She raised her eyebrow at me.

"I don't have a crush. I just..." I frowned at my fries. "He's just nice, okay? And yeah, he's gorgeous, but that's neither here not there. You're right Ali, it's a bit big for now, but it's not like he likes me or is going to ask me out or anything. I'm just - appreciating him."

Ali looked appeased at that.

"Okay," she said, smiling. "I didn't mean to be weird. It's just cause he's twenty-one, and nearly done with college, and we only just started freshman year... I mean, can you imagine what Charlie would say if you brought Edward home?"

"Oh, Lord. No," Ro said, laughing.

Oh Lord no, indeed. I could just picture Charlie's face. And his gun.

* * *

The thing was, I'd gotten to know Edward. Jazz and Ali 'kind of dating' meant our group of girls and his group of guys merged together, and that included Edward. And I got to like Edward. We wouldn't purposefully talk together, but inevitably, everyone would pair off. Ro would go with Royce, Leah Clearwater tagged along with Jake, Jess with Mike, Lauren with Ty. So Edward and I would be left together, and over the two weeks he was staying, the more I got to know him, the more I got to like him.

Edward was staying with Jazz because he was doing an internship here with a family friend. He was currently completing his final year doing pre-med at University of Miami, and had already been accepted to David Geffen med school at UCLA. He was a brain, obviously, but also a hard worker. I liked that. He told me about his plans for the future.

"I don't want to do this forever, but, I want to do some work with Medecins Sans Frontieres. It seems selfish getting all this useful, like saving knowledge, and only sharing it with the most privileged countries in the world, you know?"

To me, at sixteen, that meant he wanted to save the world, and that made him a hero. My crush burned big and shiny and bright and bloomed secretly more and more. I could have listened to him talk about himself and his life always, but he wanted to hear me talk too, sometimes. So he listened attentively as I told him I didn't have such useful plans, but that I wanted to be an English Lit major, and do as much research on Charles Dickens as possible, and then do more research, and then write twenty books about him that no one would ever read. He called me cute, again, and my sixteen year old heart loved him for it.

And then, during a rowdy dinner out at a diner, Jazz asked after Edward's girlfriend Tanya from college. My sixteen year old heart was crushed.

* * *

_now - Isla Vista, Ca_

Sometime in between the Alice and Jess talk, not reading the rest of Edward's emails, and attending a really great lecture on Great Expectations, I realise something important.

I am twenty-one. I just turned twenty-one in July. I have been married, and will probably soon be divorced. I have had one relationship in my life. I have done all the typical college experiences within the confines of that one relationship. What have I done on my own? What have I accomplished on my own terms, outside of Edward?

I've always been a good student. After hearing my mom repeat her regrets that she never finished college because she was too distraught after a bad breakup, I vowed never to sacrifice my education no matter what was going on in my personal life. So I'm a straight A student, and I thankfully really enjoy my work too.

But apart from that... There's nothing. All my best, most fun memories from the past three years have been with Edward. All my college experiences have been at his side. This is what I realise, and then I realise I need that to end.

I realise this at 6:30 AM on a Monday morning as I'm re-reading Great Expectations over my morning coffee. The sun is just rising. The air still feels a bit brisk as I sit on our balcony, overlooking the ocean, snuggled into a deck chair in my dressing gown, and contemplating my life. I'm so overwhelmed by my realisations, that I rush into Ro's room to tell her.

"I need to start living a life without Edward. Oh my god."

Ro opens one eye blearily.

"Yes, you do. You're a bitch."

She then closes her eye, and goes back to sleep. It doesn't matter though, because this moment is important, and I need to act on it.

* * *

I throw myself into my life. I book a quarter's worth of yoga classes on Sunday mornings. I message every person I like on Facebook and make plans for coffees and dinners and movie nights. I go through events I've been invited to - and actually click 'attending' on some of them. I call my dad, and cry. I call my mom, and get angry. I smile at the end of both calls.

I download Tinder, too.

My first week of living my life without Edward isn't easy. I still frequently picture him naked with a girl who isn't me in my mind's eye. I still hurt inside. I still ask the girls to leave me alone sometimes, because I need space and time.

"But I'm trying, dad. I really am. It's been nearly three months now..." I say, during one of our phone calls.

"I'm glad Bells. Trying is the most important part." He pauses, and clears his throat. "Practically, though... Have you thought about what you're going to do? I mean, you can't just stay married to the guy and not talk to him again. You have to make a decision about how to move forward with this."

I sigh, and put the knife I'm holding down. I push the half chopped carrot away from me. Ro notices from her seat on the other side of the counter, and takes over.

"I know. I know... I think I've made a decision about how to start."

"Which is?"

Ro pauses her chopping and looks at me.

"I'm sending him the divorce papers. Tomorrow."

There's a long silence at the other end of the line, and then Charlie sighs.

"Okay, baby. If that's what you think is best."

"I do. I've just been thinking a lot about my whole marriage, you know?" I run a hand over my face, tired all of a sudden. "And it was amazing. It was sweet, for a while. Until it wasn't. We should never have gotten married so young. I mean, he was obviously going to change, and I was never guaranteed to like those changes. And I've changed too, of course. Maybe he doesn't like the way I've changed too. Either way, it's over. Cheating like that... Is never something I could forgive."

"You don't need to, Bella. You deserve more." I smile into the receiver. "And to tell you the truth, babe, I always thought the guy was a schmuck."

Ro cracks up, and nods her acquiescence.

"Too cocky, from the get go. I don't like that."

"I know you don't dad," I reply, laughing. "Okay, I gotta go, Ro and I are making a casserole. We're having some friends over for dinner."

"Bella's rediscovering what it means to have a social life!' Ro shouts, so he can hear.

"Good. You're too much like me, Bells." He laughs at this. "Okay, I'll let you go anyway. I love you Bella. Say hi to Rose."

"I will. I love you back daddy."

* * *

The next day, as promised, I mail the divorce papers. Two weeks later, they're mailed back to me, signed. Three years of marriage, over with one little scribble.

About a week after that, Edward unfriends me on Facebook. And a month later, I receive a message from Edward. The second.

_I just heard_.

_I'll see you soon. _

* * *

_The response from you guys has been so amazing. Thank you to everyone one of you who has read, followed, favourited, and reviewed._

_Love, Heidella xoxo_


	4. Chapter 4

_Penname: _heidella

_Rating/Warning(s)/Note(s): _mature

_Disclaimer: _All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express authorization.

* * *

_six years ago - Cape Coral, Fl_

Edward left almost as soon as his internship finished. We had one last bonfire, in honour of him, at Ro's beach house. She'd passed the year with flying colours, and her parents were bursting with pride – so as a reward, they'd given her permission to throw a party.

Predictably, the whole thing snowballed and by ten, the house was practically vibrating. There were so many people I didn't recognise. Between our freshman friends, and the boys' senior friends, there had to be at least a hundred and fifty people roaming around inside and outside. Edward had invited a bunch of his college friends over too.

Secretly, I was bummed there were so many people, because I'd hoped Edward and I would get some last alone time together. But instead, I watched him flit here and there between groups, and barely got to see him.

By eleven, I was getting pretty mopey. I'd had enough alcohol to make me a bit stupid, and instead of giving me a happy buzz, I was getting mellow and broody.

"Why so serious, Bella Bee?" Jake asked, appearing out of nowhere, and slinging his arm around my shoulders.

"Ugh, enough with the stupid nickname..." I moaned, not feeling up for any stupid jokes.

"Woah, chillax! This is supposed to be a party."

"A friggin' awesome party," Mike slurred, stumbling to a stop next to us.

They were disturbing my sulky peace. I'd thought this little stretch of wall on the beach, in the shadows, would be relative secluded. Apparently not.

"Dude, I'm either super drunk, or just wigging," Mike started saying.

"Super drunk, definitely. Why?"

"Cause I swear I just saw Edward twice."

Jake and I looked at each other, and burst out laughing.

"What the fuck?" Jake asked. "You saw Edward twice. That's why you think you're drunk. Okay, well I've seen you twice, so I must be drunk too. And I saw Bella three times, so I must be super super drunk. And I saw Ro twice as well, so - "

"Shut up!" Mike scowled, and tried shoving Jacob, only to end up flat on his ass. We just laughed harder. "Whatever. You guys suck ass. What I meant was - fuck! There they are again!"

We followed his pointing finger, and then I suddenly wondered if I was very wasted too, because my first thought was _'I'm seeing double Edward'_. But no. Upon closer inspection, I saw it wasn't two of the same. It was Edward, and someone who just looked a lot like him. He had the same reddish brown hair, piercingly clear eyes, perfectly symmetrical face.

There were differences too though. This new Edward was a few inches shorter. He had no dimples. His nose looked a little crooked, and his hair was slightly darker. Amidst our silent confusion, it dawned on me.

"That's Edward the third."

"What?" Jake and Mike asked simultaneously.

"It's his younger brother."

"He's called Edward too?" Jake asked, his brows knit together.

"Yes. No. Um... It's complicated," I mumbled finally.

"I'm fucked. That's confusing, and I give up," Mike said. He belched loudly. "Better."

Holy shit, they were similar. But different too, the longer you stared. As I was doing. Maybe he felt the heat of our gazes, or maybe it was just coincidental, but older Edward looked up just then, and caught my eye. He smiled, and then younger Edward glanced our way too. He saw me, and his gaze very unsubtly slid over my entire body. I felt naked, and flushed.

I looked away pretty quick after that.

* * *

"Holy shit, I just met Edward the third. Edward's - "

"Younger brother," I interrupted Ali. "I know."

"Okay, _there_ you have my stamp of approval," she said, winking lecherously. "He's a senior, he's gorgeous, and he's moving here."

"What? Why?"

"Because their parents are moving to Switzerland for some job, and they don't want to pull him out of the States in his last year of school. He's staying with Jazz and his family."

"Oh... That's crazy."

"I know! But seriously, you two have to meet. Me dating Jazz, and you dating his cousin… That would be awesome." She stuck her arm through mine. "Come on."

"Where are we going…?"

Ali progressed from pulling me along by the arm, to pulling me along by the hand. There were too many people, and walking in a pair was impossible. I was forced to blindly follow her through the crowd, unsure where we were headed.

She pulled us out of the house onto the back porch, and steered us left towards a group of chairs and hammocks where Jazz, Mike, Ro, Royce, and Edward the third were sprawled. Ro squealed when she saw us, clearly wasted. Royce snorted, and raised a hand in greeting. Jazz pulled Ali close to him. Mike didn't even acknowledge us. And then I was just standing awkwardly, forgotten by Ali as she snuggled up to her guy.

I couldn't help it - my eyes were drawn to this new, younger, different Edward. He raised his eyes to mine. Closer up, the differences between him and his older brother were even more obvious. It was something in the way he held himself. Something in his eyes – something feral. They were slightly hooded, and his mouth seemed to be constantly on the brink of a smirk.

He pulled a cigarette out and lit it, and then nodded to me.

"Come here."

I hesitated. Something, gut instinct perhaps, was telling me to stay put. But something else moved me forward, closer to him. When I was close enough to touch, he took my hand to pull me even closer, and before I could even register what was happening, I was sitting sideways across his lap. Now, he smirked.

"Hi."

My breath hitched.

"Hi…"

His smirk turned into a full-blown, amazingly gorgeous smile.

"Hi, Bella-Bee. I've heard a lot about you."

"You have?" I swallowed nervously, and looked down at my hands, fidgeting in my lap. I'd never sat like this with a boy.

"Yes. All good things, of course," he reassured me. "Sweet things." He shifted slightly, and brought his hand up to my face. I couldn't prevent myself from jolting at the sudden, unexpected touch. I glanced around at the rest of the group, but they were all too engrossed in their own little worlds to notice.

When I looked back at Edward, his eyes were still fixed on me. He moved his hand to stroke his fingers across my mouth, and then gently pried them open, slipping the cigarette between my lips.

I involuntarily gasped, and sucked in a lungful of smoke.

I'd smoked before, so I didn't cough or anything – but this entire moment was wigging me out. How did this happen? We hadn't even properly been introduced. He was so intense, and so intensely interested in me. He didn't even know me.

I kept my eyes on his as I attempted to process it all, and lifted my hand to pull the cigarette away.

"Thanks," I whispered, afraid if I talked too loud something drastic would happen.

"You're welcome."

"Okay."

Something drastic happened anyway though. He smiled, looked down, then away towards the beach, then back at me. He seemed to come to some sort of decision within himself. And then he cupped my face between his hands, and kissed me.

Sweet, smoky, minty, all at once. Gentle, just a soft touch of the lips. Then, another touch, and another. Deeper every time. He pulled away slightly, only to pull my bottom lip down with his thumb, and plunge into another kiss. So much deeper this time, pushing his tongue into my mouth so it could do battle with mine.

I didn't even try resisting. Not once. It was a pattern I began with this kiss, and continued throughout our relationship. I always succumbed.

* * *

_today - Isla Vista, Ca_

Edward's email – Edward the second – throws me.

_I'll see you soon?_

I haven't seen Edward the second in years. Not since the wedding. Not since I walked down the aisle towards two Edwards, and married the wrong one.

I shake myself. I can't think like that. I can't think about 'what ifs'. It was never a possibility anyway. Edward the second and I never were and were never going to be more than just friends.

But now, after everything that's happened, it's hard not to image what my life would have been like had that been a possibility. What my life would have been like if I hadn't married Edward the third. Would I have saved myself a whole lot of heartbreak?

I end up slamming my computer closed, frustrated with my train of thought. When sleep doesn't come, I take an Advil PM and knock myself out.

* * *

I try hard not to think about Edward – Edward the third, my now ex-husband, or Edward the second, my now ex-husband's older brother who is taking up far too much space in my head.

Retrospective perspective is a bitch though. Inevitably, I've been thinking a lot about my marriage to Edward the third, our first meeting, the early days of our relationship. Inevitably, this leads to thoughts of Edward the second, because it was him I met first, him I crushed on first. Inevitably, this leads to the pesky 'what ifs…'.

There's no stopping my mind when it falls down that rabbit hole.

So I keep trying to distract myself – with my yoga classes, my social life, my academic work. I look for a job in IV, and secure myself a little barista spot at Café Equilibrium. I book a few shifts a week. I work hard, I play hard. I mourn.

One Sunday morning, I wake up as usual at six A.M., and sit out on the porch overlooking the ocean. I plug in my earphones and listen to a few playlists, sipping my coffee, just thinking. This time, first thing in the morning, when everyone is still fast asleep in bed, is my favourite time of day. It's quiet. I can clear my head.

I don't hear the back door open. I don't hear him call my name. I don't notice anything, until he's standing right in front of me. In one of the most movie-esque moments of my life, my coffee cup slips out of my hand.

Edward the second looks down at my broken cup, the spilt coffee, and then looks back up at me. My eyes haven't left his face.

"Hello, Bella-Bee."

* * *

_Every single follow, favourite and review has made me smile. _

_Some of your reviews have been so great - it's been fun watching you all make different guesses about what's happening! _

_Hope you enjoy this chapter too._

_I'm on twitter too, if you want to come chat and fangirl with me! she _ larissas (minus all the spaces)_

_Love to you all xoxo_


End file.
